Why Can't I Lose Weight?

When new a client comes to me for healing around issues of excess weight, I begin our work by asking a few simple questions. The first simple question is simply “Why are you here?” This is often all that is needed to set off a long and very painful story of weight issues, low self-esteem, and frustration. Though the details are always unique, virtually every new client surmises by saying: “I just don’t get it. I’ve tried everything. But no matter what I do, it doesn’t change.”

When I ask them why they believe I can help them, often they admit they don’t really think I can. But they feel compelled to try anything truly new, and they have heard that I offer something new. They also say that even though they are exhausted from the merry go round of effort, they seem unable to get off. They would love to just let it go—to get on with life at a less than comfortable weight—but they can’t.

These are almost always educated, savvy women who have all experienced success in some (or many) other aspects of their lives. Yet the weight issues that send them round and round, year after year, boggles the mind. It seems to defy logic. It appears that either diets and exercise don’t work, or there seems no way to stick with a plan long enough to actually see results. Even when a client has been able to white-knuckle it long enough to see exciting results, the new shape does not last. She ends up where she started, or worse.

Which leads us to my next simple question. “Why do you think you are over weight?”

Most often women answer in psychological terms first. The most common psychological response has to do with sexual safety—if they are thin and beautiful, they will be pursued in a way that feels unsafe. Another common response is that the overweight started in childhood. These women can trace the roots back to a mother or father’s early criticism, excessive feeding, or abandonment.

Most often the women with these issues have worked on them for some time through various means. Yet they admit that discovering and coming to understand them has not really been of help.

“Why else might you be overweight?” I ask.

The next level of answers usually come from the level of eating behaviors. Some women suggest it is simply a matter of body type or heredity. Others suggest that maybe it is an inevitable part of menopause or getting older in general. Some women cite a busy, city lifestyle, saying that bagged and boxed food is easy, and “easy” is all they have energy for. Yet others admit that they are addicted to certain foods. As a woman from one of my classes said: “For me, white sugar, white flour, and white wine are the three major food groups.” Still others believe that it is because fattening food is cheaper by the pound, and money is always tight. Finally, most feel exercise is a true chore, embarrassing in plus-size clothing, and not worth the effort required to see significant change.

All of these women say they want to be at a healthy, happy weight more than anything else in the world. But then they watch themselves making choices that don’t support that intention, and find them feeling both guilty and baffled.

To make sure all the areas of belief are addressed, I ask if there are societal reasons for the excessive weight. Most women believe there are. “Fat is a feminist issue,” some say. Others have seen the light about the mass media hype that jumps out of every ad they see. The message is clear and has been for most of their lives: Thin is in, and only the beautiful can rein supreme. These women understand that the consumer culture has taken over the media, and that one of the most successful enterprises out there is to make women unhappy enough with their body to buy something—anything—that change that. They understand that the treadmill of “do, have, and look good” is offered to everyone from every walk of life. In fact, most of these women are aware that it is becoming a multi-billion dollar sales job that is destroying the earth at an alarming rate. But even this knowledge does not stop these women from getting hooked into the game. They feel both hoodwinked and helpless.

At this point, my new clients are usually getting exasperated. They already know all of what we are discussing. Yet something is still missing. They know they are smart and capable of learning many new things—at least they thought they were. “But look at me” each and every one of them says in some way or another, “I’m still here, looking like this, feeling like this, going round and round the not-so-merry-go-round!”

At this point, I look them straight in the eye and tell them the truth, at least as much as I know of it. I say that even though all of these ideas about why we are over weight may well be true, knowing them does not solve the problem for the vast majority of us. If knowing the truths were all we needed to create change, I add, we would have all solved the problem, wrapped up the impossible discussion, and gone out to a celebrate with a healthy lunch a long time ago.

At which point most of my clients are ready to come right out and ask: “Then what is the solution?”

To which I reply: “That it is a good question. A very good question. In fact, it may well be the best question of your life.” For many, many women, this is the six million dollar question and the pearl of great price wrapped up into one. And they have come to ask me because they have heard that after a lifetime of the same suffering, I found a path to the answer.

At this point I tell them, as I am telling you now, that the answer was nothing like I had expected. In fact, it was nothing I could have expected. I can't wrap it up in a sentence or two, but I can say it is what this blog is all about. So read on. Another post coming soon!