Why Can't I Lose Weight, Part Two

When my clients tell me they are baffled about not being able to lose weight, and I have asked them all the reasons why they think they cannot, I then ask them an essential question. What if you just don't know?

First they look at me blankly, like it's a trick question. Then suspiciously, like I've got a new experimental drug I want them to try out and it might be dangerous. Then, finally, they relax. What a novel idea. They just don't know. Of course, they have been saying that for ages... I just don't know why I can't lose weight...but to actually just be in the "don't know" of it is a relief.

You are a smart woman, I say to them. And you've been paying attention to everything you can about nutrition, dieting, exercise, etc... You've even tuned into your own psychology. But if knowing all that was of help, you'd have been helped by now. They nod vigorously. Exactly.

So I suggest an upside-down approach. Why not assume you don't know? Because when you don't know, all your theories that actually block you from progress fall away. Let me explain.

When you believe that you are overweight because to be thin and beautiful would make you vulnerable, or go against your feminist ideals, or fly in the face of your obese family history, you are stuck in overweight until you change those "reasons." But when you don't know, anything can happen. You become open to discovering, not resolute in "It will never work for me." Taking this approach, even if you DO think you know (in fact especially if you think you know), changes everything.

First, you feel even more relief. Wow, you're not some stupid woman who knows what to do but doesn't have the moral fiber to do it (like you often tell yourself). And wow, wow, wow...there might be reasons out there to discover and try something that might work. You're not stuck in the impossible, you are open to the possible.

It is worth a thought!

Working With Weight Loss As A Koan

Though all koans seem to be completely unsolvable at first, initiates the world over have found an acceptable answer to the koan given to them from the Master Teacher (be that teacher in the outside world, or within). I, myself, have found a way through my own longstanding suffering over excess weight. Yet this koan cannot be solved without a process of inquiry.

This process is the ultimate spiritual intent behind the koan, and I believe may be the deepest reason we have a weight “problem” in the first place. The problem is there to get you into the process, and it will not let you go until you do. I like to think of it as the “God” within exasperating us long enough to get our attention.

Perhaps the process of actually quitting your job, leaving your family, and going to a mountainside monastery is the right one for you. Perhaps meditation or contemplation in a group is the process for you. Perhaps deep therapy is the process. Or maybe visualization is a process that will be of help. Whatever you choose to follow as a long-term process, in this blog I'll be introducing you to a variety of methods and approaches to begin answering the koan of excess weight. Yet the foundation underlying all of the processes is the idea that this koan is there for a good reason. Our over weight is not only our specific flavor in the human condition of needless suffering. It is suffering for a reason, and that reason is to bring you to your own ultimate enlightenment. Doesn't that idea, alone, provide a bit of relief from your suffering?

But perhaps you need to know a little more about what a koan is to be convinced.

Koans come from the sayings and doings of Zen sages and date back to fifth century. Koans, when correctly answered, reveal the enlightened or awakened state of the initiate. Sometimes the koan is purposefully used to confound the habit of thinking, or to shock the mind into awareness. Initiates concentrate on koans during meditation or contemplation, and teachers probe students about their koan practice in order to see if they are really on track.

Of course, this then begs the question—what is enlightenment? What is awakening? What are we after, anyway?

The answer to these questions can be found in volumes upon volumes of text, and I encourage you to seek out the answer if it causes true curiosity in you. But in a nutshell, we are after nothing. That is, no-thing. No-mind. Empty, open space, the great Void/Womb from which all understanding is birthed. And we are after that because to find it is to stop suffering. You may still have pain—life is painful, no doubt—but you can have pain without suffering. Think of this as having the pain of a debt, but being able to bypass the pain of adding an ever-compounding interest that serves only to deepen the debt, which creates more pain. I suggest you look into the works of Eckhart Tolle to learn more.

I’ll be talking more about the details of this awakening in the next posts, including addressing the ego—what it really is, how it works, and why it’s run amok in contemporary society. It is enlightening in and of itself, but when applied to weight loss, it becomes a huge clue to answering our own personal koan.

At this point, it is important for me to point out that I am not a Zen master, or even a Buddhist. I am someone who was a typical sufferer of life, who then had a sudden experience of spiritual awakening. The experience, which I will describe more in another post, then left me. Yet while the open, expansive state did eventually leave me, it also left me changed. The experience created a curiosity in me, which led me to explore a variety of paths that has led me to further awakening experiences. Today, with several experiences and a way of life that supports them, I am one who experiences far less suffering than most people I meet.

I am also a practicing contemporary shaman (more on that later, too) and a woman, and a seeker, and a lover, and a mother, and far more than that. My spirit name is “Walks In Two Worlds,” and this is a good description of how I live. It is not a matter of having one foot in two different worlds, but more having two layers of a transparency on an overhead projector. The image appears as one, but there are actually two worlds going on simultaneously.

I have heard the saying that the definition of a master is someone who is a little further down the road than you. If I am a little further down this road of awakening than you are (and only you can know that for sure), maybe I can help point the way. I trust you will know if that is so. If so, add this blog to your auto-email or just come back soon...

Imagine this...After years of struggling with your weight, you are frustrated with your life and unsure of where to go next. Having tried everything else you can think of, you have decided to become a spiritual disciple, dropping your smaller troubles to seek ultimate truth. You want to know your true nature, maybe even find the Buddha mind. Certainly you want to stop suffering so much.

So you take a leave of absence from your job, pack your bags, and head off to a mountainside monastery somewhere in Japan, or Thailand, or maybe Korea. You will go anywhere that may be able to provide you with a deep awakening experience.

You arrive at a set of huge, heavy monastery doors. You push your way in, and find yourself welcomed by a simple teacher who offers you a formal bow. You are led to a small room with only a bed, a nightstand, and a chair. You change your clothes to match those of the other initiates, and your old clothes—and the life they signify—are kindly taken away.

Stripped of the past, you notice it feels very clean and clear in this place. The mountainside view is breathtaking, and the crisp air seems scented with possibility. You begin to feel you might be able to find something good here.

You breathe deep, again and again, drinking in the hope that here, you will find what you are looking for. Here, you may find answers to your life troubles. Here, you may find a way to follow your deeper self—a way that your city life did not allow for.

Maybe it will be hard, and new, but maybe your mind will open. Maybe your relationship troubles, left so far behind, will find a way to work themselves out while you are gone. Maybe the simple diet will help you shed the weight, without even noticing. Maybe all you needed was this time, and space.

Others have had awakenings here, why not you?

On your first full day, you sit for a long time, learning to meditate. It is a simple process. Maybe too simple. Breathe in, breathe out. Watch your breath. When your mind wanders, bring it back to the breath. Do it again and again and again. There is nothing else to find, or so the teacher says.

Yet you came to find something. Interesting problem. Maybe there is something behind the "nothing" your teacher speaks of. You look for it, trying not to look. You wait, trying not to wait.

Despite this simple instruction, your mind is going crazy with thoughts. But the teacher has said it will settle down, in time, and with practice. You are glad you have the time.Soon, you will see your greatest teacher, the Master everyone raves about. This Master will give you something called a koan. You understand it to be a question that is impossible to answer from your sleepy, emotionally dragging, mind-cluttered life.

You know the most famous koan: "Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Already you can think of answers, but you know they must not be right. How could they be, so soon into this process?

You wonder, what koan will be given to you? How long will it take you to get the right answer?

You meditate, trying to stay in the present moment, but the wondering about the impossible question you will be given already has you thinking. Already it is foiling your peace!

While it is confounding to you, your teacher knows that this koan is already working its magic—even before you have been given the question.

Finally, it is your time to meet the Master. You enter the Master's presence with reverence. You do everything you have been instructed to do. As the Master settles in, you can barely contain yourself.

This! This is your life question! This one question, and you can begin to solve every question behind it.

The Master smiles gently, with warm eyes. "Your koan," the Master states, "is 'Why can't I loose weight?"'

Impossible! All this way, and for what? The same small problem you live with at home? A "koan" you have already been living with? The one that caused you to seek so desperately, to come so far? Surely the Master must have something better than the silly little egoistic question you have long wrestled with.

Again the Master smiles gently, with warm eyes. The Master knows, and suddenly, so do you. The unsolvable problem that has poked you, proded you, and refused to leave you alone is, and always has been, your perfect koan.

Knowing nothing else for certain, you at least know what you must do next. You must return home, to your life, and continue to live your koan. You must find the answer to this, before any other answers can come. Yet you are not disappointed, because now you know, consciously, what you have always known deep within. Your weight loss is the perfect path for you. You have found what you were looking for.

~~~~~~

There is a saying: "Bidden or not bidden, God is present."

If this is true, then perhaps even if you never take a leave of absence to be a spiritual aspirant in a foreign country, even if you never leave your living room, your teacher is waiting with your koan.

Perhaps even before you know that your own personal koan is "Why can't I loose weight?" you are working on it. Perhaps you have been for many years. Perhaps the Master is already present, waiting for you to realize your question, and to therefore be ready to work on it more formally.

What if your city life was taken into account before you were born? What if your body, your personality, and your life circumstances came with a built-in koan? What if your personal koan was designed to reveal itself this way, since it was known that your "real world" life would not easily provide for a mountainside monestery experince?

What if this seemingly unsolvable challenge of your life (which is present in some form in each and every of the 6+ billion people living on this planet) is a part of your life for a reason? Maybe even a good reason?

This is the premise I will work from in this blog. Solve this mystery for yourself, and perhaps you will solve all others. Perhaps the True Self will be revealed. Perhaps—just perhaps—through the long journey home, you will find the crisp mountain air of possibility can be found wherever you are.

Why Can't I Lose Weight?

When new a client comes to me for healing around issues of excess weight, I begin our work by asking a few simple questions. The first simple question is simply “Why are you here?” This is often all that is needed to set off a long and very painful story of weight issues, low self-esteem, and frustration. Though the details are always unique, virtually every new client surmises by saying: “I just don’t get it. I’ve tried everything. But no matter what I do, it doesn’t change.”

When I ask them why they believe I can help them, often they admit they don’t really think I can. But they feel compelled to try anything truly new, and they have heard that I offer something new. They also say that even though they are exhausted from the merry go round of effort, they seem unable to get off. They would love to just let it go—to get on with life at a less than comfortable weight—but they can’t.

These are almost always educated, savvy women who have all experienced success in some (or many) other aspects of their lives. Yet the weight issues that send them round and round, year after year, boggles the mind. It seems to defy logic. It appears that either diets and exercise don’t work, or there seems no way to stick with a plan long enough to actually see results. Even when a client has been able to white-knuckle it long enough to see exciting results, the new shape does not last. She ends up where she started, or worse.

Which leads us to my next simple question. “Why do you think you are over weight?”

Most often women answer in psychological terms first. The most common psychological response has to do with sexual safety—if they are thin and beautiful, they will be pursued in a way that feels unsafe. Another common response is that the overweight started in childhood. These women can trace the roots back to a mother or father’s early criticism, excessive feeding, or abandonment.

Most often the women with these issues have worked on them for some time through various means. Yet they admit that discovering and coming to understand them has not really been of help.

“Why else might you be overweight?” I ask.

The next level of answers usually come from the level of eating behaviors. Some women suggest it is simply a matter of body type or heredity. Others suggest that maybe it is an inevitable part of menopause or getting older in general. Some women cite a busy, city lifestyle, saying that bagged and boxed food is easy, and “easy” is all they have energy for. Yet others admit that they are addicted to certain foods. As a woman from one of my classes said: “For me, white sugar, white flour, and white wine are the three major food groups.” Still others believe that it is because fattening food is cheaper by the pound, and money is always tight. Finally, most feel exercise is a true chore, embarrassing in plus-size clothing, and not worth the effort required to see significant change.

All of these women say they want to be at a healthy, happy weight more than anything else in the world. But then they watch themselves making choices that don’t support that intention, and find them feeling both guilty and baffled.

To make sure all the areas of belief are addressed, I ask if there are societal reasons for the excessive weight. Most women believe there are. “Fat is a feminist issue,” some say. Others have seen the light about the mass media hype that jumps out of every ad they see. The message is clear and has been for most of their lives: Thin is in, and only the beautiful can rein supreme. These women understand that the consumer culture has taken over the media, and that one of the most successful enterprises out there is to make women unhappy enough with their body to buy something—anything—that change that. They understand that the treadmill of “do, have, and look good” is offered to everyone from every walk of life. In fact, most of these women are aware that it is becoming a multi-billion dollar sales job that is destroying the earth at an alarming rate. But even this knowledge does not stop these women from getting hooked into the game. They feel both hoodwinked and helpless.

At this point, my new clients are usually getting exasperated. They already know all of what we are discussing. Yet something is still missing. They know they are smart and capable of learning many new things—at least they thought they were. “But look at me” each and every one of them says in some way or another, “I’m still here, looking like this, feeling like this, going round and round the not-so-merry-go-round!”

At this point, I look them straight in the eye and tell them the truth, at least as much as I know of it. I say that even though all of these ideas about why we are over weight may well be true, knowing them does not solve the problem for the vast majority of us. If knowing the truths were all we needed to create change, I add, we would have all solved the problem, wrapped up the impossible discussion, and gone out to a celebrate with a healthy lunch a long time ago.

At which point most of my clients are ready to come right out and ask: “Then what is the solution?”

To which I reply: “That it is a good question. A very good question. In fact, it may well be the best question of your life.” For many, many women, this is the six million dollar question and the pearl of great price wrapped up into one. And they have come to ask me because they have heard that after a lifetime of the same suffering, I found a path to the answer.

At this point I tell them, as I am telling you now, that the answer was nothing like I had expected. In fact, it was nothing I could have expected. I can't wrap it up in a sentence or two, but I can say it is what this blog is all about. So read on. Another post coming soon!

Welcome!

Hi! I'm Robin Rice. This blog is the culmination of what I have learned from working with women who have excessive weight and/or body issues through private healing sessions or in my signature 26-week class, Weight Loss As A Path To Awakening.

The basic premise is simple: If all it took to lose weight was the right diet, every woman in the US and abroad would be thin. We all know diets don't work, but few know what does. I've learned that bringing the entire self—physical, emotional, and spiritual—to the process of weight loss really works.

The path of self-discovery is the journey of every woman who wishes a full life, and many, many women choose to find this path through issues of over weight. Sound crazy? Read on, and see if something resonates in what I say.

To take a pill and cut the carbs make work on a surface level...if you can do it, and for a while, and with a solid white-knuckled determination. Yet even as the pounds drop, if the deeper needs of the soul are not met, the weight comes back—sometimes with a vengeance. After all, the soul is still calling for a journey to the real you. A journey to what you really want (even more than to fit into a size 6, or even 12, dress.) In addition, the identity you carried as a larger woman hasn't changed. It may show up in the mirror, but if the inside of the head is still "fat," the true self won't be comfortable.

If any of that rings true for you, join me as we take a deeper look together. It is a whole lot easier with others saying "yea, yea, yea!!!" when something resonates. So I hope you will post your thoughts and comments, and also sign up to get auto posts in your email box so that these thoughts can come to you. I promise this blog will be more than fluff and rant.

In fact, it is what I call an "Education In A Box, er, Blog" and it's here for you. Welcome!


Weight Loss As A Path